David vs Goliath

I have just started providing web design/development services to extremely discerning customers (so click the contact me button if you need a website at very competetive rates!) This means I can mostly work from home thus rendering the curse of IBS (all mention of IBS will be redacted in the event of me having to seek full time/contract employment in the future) impotent as far as employment goes.

I am implementing an online store and integrating their accounting package for one of my clients, which requires some on-site visits for the integration. This means I am once again at the mercy of car drivers.

According to Nick Hornby men are supposed to be instinctive list makers. According to me though men don’t make lists, don’t like football, cricket, rugby, rowing etc… in fact real men like nothing other than formula 1, snooker and (for the sake of aesthetics a third item is required) lesbian pornography.

Imagine my suprise when I realised I had actually subconsiously constructed a ‘list’, you will have to imagine it because I am unable to express my suprise in any meaningful way.

I only noticed because the subconscious part decided to inform the conscious part of my mind that Porsche cayenne twin turbo drivers had suddenly usurped the BMW and Audi coupés at the top of a non-existent list of wankers you meet on the road as a biker.

You grow used to every young twat with a tricked up hatch thinking his custom exhaust, air filters and hilarious ‘aero kit’ is bloody fast, faster than ‘you’ with your fairing and matching leathers. Personally I usually let the twats whiz past me with their smug grins, and I have to admit, I frequently wonder (I’m pretty sure it would be very wrong to say ‘hope’) if I will encounter them later in a ditch just beyond the next hill with a hidden entrance.

OK so fair enough, you’re young with too much money, a sports hatchback and an unshakeable belief in your own immortality, you may then mistakenly believe you have the fastest, most cock enhancing, waste of space on the highway.
You would be wrong, but we might forgive you for not knowing that most motorcycles that look remotely like a sports bike are capable of much greater acceleration and top speed than you could ever afford to match.

If, however, you happen to be driving a 4×4, regardless of if it is a BMW or Porsche ‘sports’ 4×4 (also known as a twat wagon, but not in a complimentary fashion I hasten to add) What on earth makes you want to bother attempting to beat a GSXR-1000 from a standing start?

Worse still are the hopelessly pathetic wankers who sit one inch off my rear wheel while we tackle a 180 degree turn on-ramp, and then try to overtake on the chevrons separating the on-ramp from the motorway. It seems to me there are a lot of fat management types with a small willy problem who need a bike oriented episode of Top Gear.

I don’t care how much you paid for your undersized truck or oversized car. The price really doesn’t matter. Try to remember that a GSXR-1000 weighs less than 500kg has 143BHP, manages ~180mph top speed and does 0-60 in under 3s.

Whilst it is always pleasing to be able to gently raise the revs to the lower edge of the power band and watch the, invariably black, motorway moby dick recede to a shit like speck in my mirrors in an instant I don’t really get the opportunity to express my utter contempt for the dick head in question.

So if you happen to be a fat (or even a thin) controller with a sports 4×4 this post is for you.

love you lots…love you….yes…love you….love you lots…byeeee….

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